I Tried To Be Deep

lampertino:

runwithskizzers:

embiggenedcromulence:

Hillary 2016

WOMEN HAVE SEEN THIS COMING FOR YEARS

BOBBY NEWPORT HAS NEVER HAD A REAL JOB IN HIS LIFE

Posted 7 years ago | 296,125 notes | via

gabbyzvolt25:

bi-est-witch-of-middleearth:

kittenwiskers:

writing-prompt-s:

You’re in charge of assigning every child on Earth the monster under their bed. One child in particular has caused every monster assigned to him/her to quit. You decide to assign yourself.

Case: #273402
Status: Disastrous.

I stare at the file and realize I have no options, over the last 2 years every monster assigned to Charlotte Dower has quit, every last one. Her first monster; a giant goldfish-faced humanoid named Bubba, had been with her for four years, and then she wasn’t scared of him anymore. After that it was a string of different common, uncommon, and rare monsters… I even assigned a sentient sock monster to her. He came back crying!
I look on my tablet, only one assignable monster left; myself. Field work has never been my cup of tea, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So at 8:03 pm, after Mrs. Gideon tucks in Charlotte and her little brother Daniel; I slither into the space beneath Charlotte’s bed.
Across the room underneath Daniel’s crib is a rookie, Chico, a standard Creep kind of monster.
I turn my attention to the bed above me, Charlotte is still awake but barely, I reach up over the bed and run an ice cold finger over her cheek, silence, so I do it again.
“I’m not afraid of you monster!” She whispers, but her voice is shaking. I can see a small clock on the wall 8:14, a door somewhere in the house slams and there is an audible hitch of breath from above me. A few minutes go by I can hear Francis Gideon yelling at his wife. There are heavy footsteps on the stairs, and loud panting breaths, Charlotte scrambles off the bed and…
She. CRAWLS. Under. The. Bed. With. Me.
“Move. Over!” Charlotte hisses at me. I do.
The door to the bedroom slams open and I smell the stench of human intoxicants before the man even steps inside.
I know why Charlotte isn’t afraid of any of my monsters; she’s afraid of her own.
Francis reaches a hand under the bed and I thrust my wrist into it, he starts to pull, I slither out.
“What the…” I cut Francis’s next words off by unfolding to my full 12 foot height. Looming over the drunken man I caress my cold fingers down his face.
“If you ever touch, scare, or harm my child again, I will find you, and I will do the same to you, for all eternity.” I promise to him.
As Francis runs from the room he soils himself.
I pull Charlotte from under the bed, tuck her back under her covers and kiss her forehead goodnight. “I’ll be back tomorrow night, sleep well darling.”
Charlotte Dower is my child, I am the monster under her bed.

WELL GODAMN, WE HAVE OURSELVES A WINNER

Holy shit I’m gonna cry that’s beautiful.

Posted 7 years ago | 433,113 notes | via

influencingpotatoes:
“ Why does my AP psych textbook sound like a fuckinf Tumblr shit post
”

influencingpotatoes:

Why does my AP psych textbook sound like a fuckinf Tumblr shit post

Posted 7 years ago | 198,382 notes | via

mainmanblackdynamite:
“ tastefullyoffensive:
“ He’s so focused. (via saraboulos)
”
This is so pure
”

mainmanblackdynamite:

tastefullyoffensive:

He’s so focused. (via saraboulos)

This is so pure

Posted 7 years ago | 300,497 notes | via

Okay but plasma

Okay but plasma

Posted 7 years ago | 128,878 notes | via

strongintherealgay:

the-baby-bigender:

strongintherealgay:

can we stop the father threatening his daughter’s boyfriend trope? and the dads don’t know how to take care of their kids when their wives are gone trope? and the virgin males are always awkward and geeks trope? and the bachelor who can’t take care of himself without a mother and/or wife trope? and the husband sees any attractive woman and has to cheat on his wife trope? and the if a boy is interested in you then he is just trying to get into your pants at any cost trope? and the boy who wears nail polish or likes theatre has to be gay and therefore “weak” trope?

can we stop hypermasculine tropes in media?

also the married men are miserable because they’re “tied down” or have to spend time with their wives.

yes that one too

Posted 7 years ago | 78,074 notes | via

lyndsayfaye:

roane72:

I have one of these!

image
image

This is precious and exactly what we all need.

Posted 7 years ago | 719,050 notes | via

friendly reminder that

femminiello:

if we’re mutuals, you are allowed to slip 1 (One) small lizard into my pocket if you see me at the farmer’s market

Posted 7 years ago | 401,235 notes | via

cool-asexual:

and they say acephobia doesn’t exist

Posted 7 years ago | 3,067 notes | via

isoldmyurl:

let him through the force field

Posted 7 years ago | 99,513 notes | via







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